YOLO!! SI SI!

i spoke to my therapist today. i told her my birthday was tomorrow and she said to me, "OH! do you have any plans?!" then i said, "well. since it's my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY- i wanted to do something big. i HAD planned on going to mexico since i was born there- it just seems appropriate.. but since amy said i couldn't take more than 1 trip a year.. i'm just going to a strip club with doug." then she said, "oh? yeah mexico would be fun.. i thought we determined a calendar year would be in november if you still wanted to go this year.. how do you feel about going to a strip club now instead of mexico?" then i said, "well.. i had REALLY wanted to go to mexico for my birthday but i'll just do the next best thing and go to rick's cabaret.. since i've never been there before.." then she tried to clarify if I was the one who wanted to go to rick's or if it was just douglas (because i'm not really sure why people don't see this as MY idea? do i really seem that uptight?). so then i said, "no.. it was MY idea. i always wanted to check it out since even when i lived in burnsville and nick from the half assed morning show would always talk about it. fredrick asked me why i wanna see naked women dancing around and i said that i just wanted a new experience. i'm completely secure with my sexuality." then my therapist seemed a little more at ease when she said, "oh." and i said, "plus, i don't really think douglas would be up for going to a strip club for men.. he isn't as secure with his sexuality as i am." then she said, "well.. you know- you could always go by yourself." then i said, "yeah but it doesn't seem like as much fun." heh.. i'm not sure if she was nervous that she was talking to an undercover carpet muncher or if she thought i was being pushed into something because i'm usually so uptight or something? you only turn 40 once and no one ever does things surprising for me on my birthday- which i told her that i was pretty sure it's because people don't care about me that much around here. SO, IT'S MY CHOICE! IF I CAN'T RETURN TO SEE WHERE I WAS BORN- I'LL GO CRAZY ELSEWHERE. i'm pretty sure i've done crazier shit- so i wouldn't put this past me and you'll see tomorrow since everyone acts too fucking stupid to help me get to where I TRULY want to live. you idiots will regret this. it just might bite you in your lame uptight asses. that's what you get for trying to control me and ACT like you "care" about me. tell me.. DID YOU CARE THIS MUCH ABOUT ME WHEN YOU WERE ABOUT TO GET KICKED BY MY DAD AND YOU SELFISHLY USED ME AS A SHIELD WHILE NANCHALANTLY HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF YOUR STUPID ASS TO ACT LIKE YOU WERE TRYING TO SHOW HIM WHY HE SHOULD SETTLE DOWN? DID YOU CARE THIS MUCH ABOUT ME WHEN THE EMERGENCY ROOM ATTEMPTED TO CALL YOU WHEN I FELL OUTTA MY WHEELCHAIR AND BANGED MY HEAD ON THE ICE/STREET?! i remember having to even get stitches above my eye. don't try to say you did because JOE was the ONLY one who actually made an effort to check to see if i was alright last time i was having surgery because my mom's selfish ass using my body as a shield.. so i got kicked- which resulted in a perforrated bowel and a blocked bowel. you are quite honestly the best example of what i should AVOID doing and being. thanks for the guidance of what to avoid turning into.. that's the ONLY thanks you'll ever receive from me. "WHAT ABOUT HOW YOUR MOM TOOK CARE OF YOU AFTER THE CAR ACCIDENT YOU WERE IN?!" i know better, FLYING MONKEY. mind your own business. you obviously have no respect and/or care for me. GRANDMA MADE HER TAKE CARE OF HER OWN FUCKING DAUGHTER. there were SEVERAL nights when i heard my mom whining to my grandma how it wasn't fair that she should have to stay home with her OWN DAUGHTER and she actually went out a bunch of times when i was wheelchair dependant without leaving me with someone to help me- until i told my grandma, then she chewed my mom out and came into town a few times and sat with me while my mom selfishly went to the bar to play pool with her little boyfriend carlos. i'm pretty sure i've experienced pretty close to everything dealing with neglect. that is NOTHING to be PROUD of either. the perpetrators should be ASHAMED of themselves. shit's gonna change. i realize i can do things by MYSELF and i'm NOT turning into a bum who smokes cigarettes and talks to her dogs. if i see that happening- I WILL KILL MYSELF AND WRITE "THANKS MOM AND AMANDA" IN BLOOD. that'll probably just make them wet with admiration for themselves though. can't win for losing.